(If you're new click here to start at chapter 1 :)
“So where are we going?” I asked Brian. He had picked me up and hadn’t told me where we are going. We just drove off and he didn’t tell me about our destination. “It’s a surprise! It’s nothing too special though.” He smiled. Most girls would be head over heels in love with him. He’s pretty much perfect. But I feel nothing. Not a spark, not fireworks- nothing. I really like him in a friend way though. I don’t know if we can be just friends though if he likes me that much. It just seems unlikely. But I guess I can worry about that later. “Actually we’re here now.” He smiled. I saw a large lake. “I want to go for a walk.” He smiled. We got out of the car. He grabbed my hand. “Follow me, Samatha.” He smiled at me. We walked down the pavement. “So are your pressing charges against Lisa?”
“No. I’m not. My mom said she will if she does it again however. But for this time she doesn’t want to start drama.”
“Oh. I never knew Lisa was so… crazy.” She laughed and shook his head
“I did.”
He just makes a quick, sharp laugh as a response.
“I can’t believe this woman is going to be a mother!” He said.
“You think she’ll make a good mother?” I genuinely asked him but I felt a little silly once I saw the amusement in his eyes.
“No way! She perfectly defines a sinner!” He laughs and shakes his head.
“Samatha, don’t be fooled, she’s bad news. It would be great if she saw the Lord and the light but realistically she’ll always lock her self in that darkness. And her poor child will be sucked into it too- will be destine to Hell. It’s sad really, this vicious cycle. The child and its’ children’s children will all be damned.”
I was a bit shocked by how much he sounds like my mother. I run my fingers through my scarlet tinted hair and say “Doesn’t it seem unfair? I mean God can do anything so why can’t he fix the wicked? They’re his creations.”
He looked at me with shock and sternness.
“Samatha, don’t speak ill of the Lord. He can and is hearing you. God put Lisa her on this earth to test her. Her refusing to study and answer the questions by her own will is enough to show God that she doesn’t deserve to go to his kingdom.”
I was a bit speechless and ashamed. I want to put this aside but he stares at me waiting for a response.
“Sorry, you’re right.” Is the only words I can get to pass my lips.
“It’s fine. Let’s just enjoy our date for now.” He smiled
He intertwines his hand with mine as I wait for a spark to go off in my heart- the way it does with Zoey. But I’m saddened when I get nothing.
We walked together hand and hand for about 20 minutes. He stopped the stroll and told me to sit down on a tan colored bench. I looked ahead of us and saw a breath taking view of the lake. The sun was radiating an orange glow that reflected off the water. “Samatha, I like you a lot. I mean I can’t get you out of my head. Every time I close my eyes I see your smile and your eyes. You’re amazing.” His lips expanded and he took my hand.
“Thanks, Brad” I smiled being exceptionally flattered.
“You’re welcome. Before I continue I need to know… how do you feel about me?”
I got a knot in my stomach.
“What do you mean about that?”
“I mean do you like me? Is there any chance for us to be together for good?”
My ears grew hot. This ruins my plan. I can’t keep this game with him anymore. “I’m sorry. I like you, but only as a friend. I’m really sorry I really do want you in my life just not as a boyfriend.” I felt awful for saying that. I think I actually heard his heart break. “What? Why? I love you, Samatha. I know it seems soon to say that but I loved you at first sight. I-I…”
“I’m sorry, Brian. I care about you but I’m just not interested in a relationship with you. We can still be together. I promise you we can. I just want to be friends.” I basically hurt myself telling him that.
“I don’t know what to say. I thought we had something…” I saw a layer of water cover his eyes. Please don’t say he’s going to cry! That would just make the moment tenser.
“Please don’t cry, Brian.”
He blinked trying to hide his tears. “I’m not going to.” He took a deep breath.
“I’ll drive you home now.” He got up and started to walk. I followed him.
“I have to ask one more thing, Samatha. What did I do wrong?” He asked.
“Nothing. You did everything right. I should be head over heels. A normal girl would be in love with you. I’m not normal. I’m sick. Face it, you’re every girls dream. You have movie star good looks; you’re romantic, rich, kind, and loving. This sounds like a cliché but seriously it’s not you, it’s me. If a normal girl saw me turn you down she would think I’m crazy and want to slap me for giving up a one and million chance. Something’s wrong with me, literally. I don’t want to talk about it now but don’t worry about it please. There is something wrong with me, ok?”
He looked puzzled but remained silent. I don’t think he was sure what to say. He opened his mouth but closed it again quickly.
“Now do you want to walk out of my life forever or do you want to stay and just be friends for now? Who knows maybe I’ll get help and we can be together.” I shrugged.
“What do you mean you’re sick?” He says ignoring my telling him to not mention it.
“I told you not to worry about it.” I said.
“How can I not if your ‘sickness’ is taking me away from you?!”
“It’s complicated. I haven’t even grasped it so how could I explain it?”
“So where are we going?” I asked Brian. He had picked me up and hadn’t told me where we are going. We just drove off and he didn’t tell me about our destination. “It’s a surprise! It’s nothing too special though.” He smiled. Most girls would be head over heels in love with him. He’s pretty much perfect. But I feel nothing. Not a spark, not fireworks- nothing. I really like him in a friend way though. I don’t know if we can be just friends though if he likes me that much. It just seems unlikely. But I guess I can worry about that later. “Actually we’re here now.” He smiled. I saw a large lake. “I want to go for a walk.” He smiled. We got out of the car. He grabbed my hand. “Follow me, Samatha.” He smiled at me. We walked down the pavement. “So are your pressing charges against Lisa?”
“No. I’m not. My mom said she will if she does it again however. But for this time she doesn’t want to start drama.”
“Oh. I never knew Lisa was so… crazy.” She laughed and shook his head
“I did.”
He just makes a quick, sharp laugh as a response.
“I can’t believe this woman is going to be a mother!” He said.
“You think she’ll make a good mother?” I genuinely asked him but I felt a little silly once I saw the amusement in his eyes.
“No way! She perfectly defines a sinner!” He laughs and shakes his head.
“Samatha, don’t be fooled, she’s bad news. It would be great if she saw the Lord and the light but realistically she’ll always lock her self in that darkness. And her poor child will be sucked into it too- will be destine to Hell. It’s sad really, this vicious cycle. The child and its’ children’s children will all be damned.”
I was a bit shocked by how much he sounds like my mother. I run my fingers through my scarlet tinted hair and say “Doesn’t it seem unfair? I mean God can do anything so why can’t he fix the wicked? They’re his creations.”
He looked at me with shock and sternness.
“Samatha, don’t speak ill of the Lord. He can and is hearing you. God put Lisa her on this earth to test her. Her refusing to study and answer the questions by her own will is enough to show God that she doesn’t deserve to go to his kingdom.”
I was a bit speechless and ashamed. I want to put this aside but he stares at me waiting for a response.
“Sorry, you’re right.” Is the only words I can get to pass my lips.
“It’s fine. Let’s just enjoy our date for now.” He smiled
He intertwines his hand with mine as I wait for a spark to go off in my heart- the way it does with Zoey. But I’m saddened when I get nothing.
We walked together hand and hand for about 20 minutes. He stopped the stroll and told me to sit down on a tan colored bench. I looked ahead of us and saw a breath taking view of the lake. The sun was radiating an orange glow that reflected off the water. “Samatha, I like you a lot. I mean I can’t get you out of my head. Every time I close my eyes I see your smile and your eyes. You’re amazing.” His lips expanded and he took my hand.
“Thanks, Brad” I smiled being exceptionally flattered.
“You’re welcome. Before I continue I need to know… how do you feel about me?”
I got a knot in my stomach.
“What do you mean about that?”
“I mean do you like me? Is there any chance for us to be together for good?”
My ears grew hot. This ruins my plan. I can’t keep this game with him anymore. “I’m sorry. I like you, but only as a friend. I’m really sorry I really do want you in my life just not as a boyfriend.” I felt awful for saying that. I think I actually heard his heart break. “What? Why? I love you, Samatha. I know it seems soon to say that but I loved you at first sight. I-I…”
“I’m sorry, Brian. I care about you but I’m just not interested in a relationship with you. We can still be together. I promise you we can. I just want to be friends.” I basically hurt myself telling him that.
“I don’t know what to say. I thought we had something…” I saw a layer of water cover his eyes. Please don’t say he’s going to cry! That would just make the moment tenser.
“Please don’t cry, Brian.”
He blinked trying to hide his tears. “I’m not going to.” He took a deep breath.
“I’ll drive you home now.” He got up and started to walk. I followed him.
“I have to ask one more thing, Samatha. What did I do wrong?” He asked.
“Nothing. You did everything right. I should be head over heels. A normal girl would be in love with you. I’m not normal. I’m sick. Face it, you’re every girls dream. You have movie star good looks; you’re romantic, rich, kind, and loving. This sounds like a cliché but seriously it’s not you, it’s me. If a normal girl saw me turn you down she would think I’m crazy and want to slap me for giving up a one and million chance. Something’s wrong with me, literally. I don’t want to talk about it now but don’t worry about it please. There is something wrong with me, ok?”
He looked puzzled but remained silent. I don’t think he was sure what to say. He opened his mouth but closed it again quickly.
“Now do you want to walk out of my life forever or do you want to stay and just be friends for now? Who knows maybe I’ll get help and we can be together.” I shrugged.
“What do you mean you’re sick?” He says ignoring my telling him to not mention it.
“I told you not to worry about it.” I said.
“How can I not if your ‘sickness’ is taking me away from you?!”
“It’s complicated. I haven’t even grasped it so how could I explain it?”
“You can try.” He shrugged not letting this go.
“I don’t want to.”
He let out a sigh.
“What ever.”
He looked away. I saw pain, pain which was cause by me. I felt a ping in my stomach.
“Be honest with me. Is there a chance with us, at all?” He asked.
“I don’t know, maybe.” I smiled trying to give him hope. He just looked away not buying it.
“I’m sorry. I really am.” I said.
“It’s fine. You can’t help who you love, or don’t love.” He frowned.
Even though this day was awful there was one good thing that came out of it. And that is the fact it’s over. Well, almost. I still have to go to that party. Even though every fiber of my being wants to park myself on the bed and stay there rather than go to the party.
I can honestly say that today was the worst day of my life - so far atleast. Most people say that as an over exaggeration, but it really is. I rest my sore head on my pillow. I took a deep breath. I remember when my life was simple. I remember it intensely, mostly because it was just a week ago. Well I suppose my life was never simple. Not with my mother confusing me every time I thought understood something. My parents don’t really care about me, they never really did. But I feel so obligated to listen to them and obey their every word; almost like it’s my instincts. Perhaps it’s because I have lived this way my whole life.
I guess what I mean by my life being simple I meant it was easier. I just did what I was told. I had no complications to worry about. There were no conflicts, no confusion, or heart break. At least not like there is now. Now it is just painful. Yet all this pain seems worth it somehow. I can’t honestly describe it. Maybe it’s because I’m basically doing this for Zoey.
Still it’s not fair Brian and my parents have to be affected by this. Brian gets his poor heart broken and my parents won’t get, well, me; or their ideal of me. They want their perfect child with the exact same views as them; one with a perfect Christian husband and perfect Christian grandchildren. No, they won’t get that. They’ll get me- their sinner, their biggest mistake.
All because of my choice, illness, or maybe disorder. I’m not quite sure yet. I don’t think it’s a choice though. I never chose this and never would. I don’t want to live this way. I really don’t. I want to have a husband and kids. Not a wife and adopted kids. I whipped a tear from my eyes. I took a breath and looked at my clock; 11:30 P.M. I talked to Zoey about it. I’m going to the party. I admit I’m scared; I don’t want to do this. It’s stupid. But love makes people do stupid things. I went over to my door and locked it. I flipped the switch off and let darkness gulf up the room.
I went over to the window through the shadows of my room. I opened it and went out of it. I pushed the glass window shut. I started to walk down the dark road. My stomach grew sick for obvious reasons. Walking at night by myself gave me the creeps. I took in a gulp of fresh air. I walked slower and slower fighting the strong urge to go back to my bed and sleep. Eventually I was going so slow it appeared I wasn’t walking at all. The day I’ve been dreading is here- the day that will send me to hell, the day I am officially a sinner. Well maybe not. Perhaps that day happened a while ago when I talked back to my mother. Or perhaps it was the day I kissed Zoe. I still can’t believe I did that.
I looked over at the child hood park and saw the silver car in the parking lot. I squinted and examined it a bit to be 100 percent sure it was Zoey’s car. It was. If the green dice in the window wasn’t enough to tell me than seeing Zoey step out of it once she saw me. “Hi, Sammy.” She smiled. “Hi, Zoe” I said back and took her in. From her long pink wavy hair, to her whit tee shirt and red skinny jeans. “The dress is in the back, Sammy. You can get changed in the car. I promise I won’t look.” She smiled. I nodded and went into the back seat. I saw the same blue dress Zoe wore at the church. I peeked out the window to make sure she wasn’t looking. I took off my ugly floral dress when I saw she wasn’t. I put on the blue one and stepped out of the car. “You look… normal” she laughed “Well, almost.” She walked over and took the bow out of my hair. “Wow. You’re so gorgeous.” She said but seemed a bit distracted while looking in my eyes. Our eyes were locked like the night we kissed. Despite how natural this felt I didn’t want it to happen. This moment is being seen by god. Even though I want to let everything go and be with her the fear of knowing god is watching and judging every move stops me. I turn around. “We don’t want to be late.” I say.
“We can be fashionably late.” she smiled and wrapped her arm around me.
“I guess.”
She walked over and sat on the hood of her car. “Sit down with me.” She smiled while patting on her car. I sat down beside her.
“So, you never did answer my question.” She looked over at me.
“What question?” I asked.
“Are you… on my team?”
“What?” I tilted my head to the side. She shook her head and sighed.
“Remember our conversation we had the first day I was at your house?”
“Oh.” I cringed thinking about it.
“Answer me. Stop the mind games, Sammy. Just tell me the truth. Do you have feelings for me?”
I took in a deep breath and got of the car.
“Let’s talk about this later.”
“No. There’s not time like the presence. Just tell me. Am I wasting my time?”
“What do you mean by wasting your time?”
“I mean I am I wasting my time trying to become more than friends?”
“I never knew you were trying.” I said slightly hurt that this whole time we were together was just her attempt to be my girlfriend.
“I guess I never really was. I just want to know if I should bother starting or just forget that possibility.”
“Oh. Listen, Zoey, I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I don’t want to be gay. I want to be normal and live a normal safe life.”
“What do you mean safe? Safe from what?”
“Hell.”
“You think I’m going to hell?!”
“No, I mean—I don’t know.”
“I don’t believe in hell. Why would god make me this way but send me to hell for it?”
“Maybe you could get help. Maybe we both could. It would be fun they have camps for it, you know?” I smiled thinking about it. We could be normal friends.
“Are you joking? There’s no ‘cure’ for this. You’re born this way. There’s no way out. If you could there would be little to no gays in the world. I’d be upset with you for saying that if you knew how offensive it actually was.”
“I didn’t mean it to be. But I did think about doing that.”
“Doing what? Sending me to a camp?”
“No, sending my self to one. I don’t know if I am but I may be and I want help.” I frowned.
“Don’t do this to yourself. I tried it. Not going to a camp, but hiding it. Not just from other people but from myself. I shoved my self so deep in the closet. I was hiding from myself because I thought I wasn’t good enough for this world. It’s a traumatizing experience. Please don’t do it. It will be the biggest regret you’ll have.”
“Let’s just not think about it for now. Let’s just go to the party.”
“Fine, you’re right.” She slid off the car.
We arrived at a huge golden color mansion. “This is Brad’s house?!”
“No, it’s his mansion.” She smiled. “Let’s go.” She said. We got out the car and started walking up the long drive way. My stomach grew sick. This is my first real party ever and I honestly don’t want to go. I have no idea how crazy this party is going to be. “Don’t be nervous, Sammy. I won’t let any one hurt you.” She laughed and put her hand in mine. Although we were far from the house I could hear the music from it perfectly. It sounded a little futuristic and fun. Is this the music I have been wondering about? Is it the music that is all over the radio? “Is this the kind of music that’s on the radio?” I asked. “Yes. This kind of music is on the radio too much if you ask me.” She laughed. “You like?” She asked. “Yeah, I guess. It’s way different from Christian music though.” The next song played. I cocked my head to the side. The song sounded familiar. Not the song, the singer. “I know this person. I’m pretty sure my mom bought me her CD for my 8th birthday. Katy Hudson, right?” I asked. “Her name’s Katy Perry now. Your mom actually let you listen to her?” She laughed. “Yeah she had a Christian album. I was such a big fan. I actually saw her perform years back. I even meant her back stage it-”
“You meant Katy Perry?!?!” She said and dropped her jaw.
“Yeah? Is that bad?”
“No! That’s so … awesome! Was she nice?”
“Yeah I guess I just talked to her for a while.”
“That is so freaking awesome” She said with a wide smile.
“Thanks.” I smiled mostly because I was happy I impressed her.
We stepped into the door. “You see that man over there?” She nearly screamed into my ear trying to speak to me over the loud music. She was pointing to a tall, muscular man with tattoos covering his arm. He had brown spiky hair. He had a red cup in his hand and a cigarette in the other. I already felt uncomfortable. “That’s brad.” He seemed no better than Lisa. Nearly no one here was. I looked around the room. There was a sea full of people smoking, drinking and dancing. I could barely breathe because of all this smoke. And I could barely hear myself think from the music. Zoe grabbed my hand and took me away from him. “I don’t want him to know you’re here with me. He could tell my sister and, well, you know.” She frowned.
“Zoe? Zoe Carson? Ha, is that you?!” I heard a voice slur. Zoey turned around and saw who was saying it. It was a tall skinny girl. She had a short shirt revealing a skull belly button ring with a tattoo of a little bow by it. She had a nose, brow, and lip piercing. She had blue skinny pants on and had long straight blonde hair. “Oh crap.” Zoey mouthed to me. “Remember me, lovely?” The blonde girl said holding a red cup. “Of course.” Zoey smiled, well fake smiled. “Sammy,” Zoey said loudly while looking down. “This is Abby.” She blushed. “Hi.” I smiled. “You’re so stiff, girl. Loosen up!” Abby said to me. She was obviously intoxicated. “Sorry.” I said but Abby didn’t pay attention. “Zoey, is this your girlfriend?” Abby asked with her head tilted. “No. She’s Just my friend.” She said, although it was true I wish she didn’t say it. I wish I was her girlfriend in a strange way. I would love for her to say those words and for it to be true.
“Oh. Are you seeing anybody?!”
“No.”
“Hmm… you wanna dance?” Abby asked while pulling Zoey up. Zoey rolled her eyes and went with it. Abby grabbed Zoey’s waist and proceeded to dance with her. They were having a conversation that was inaudible to me. Jealousy went through my body. I hated Abby right now. I hate this girl so bad though I just meant her a mere minute ago. She moved her hand up to Zoey’s cheek. I walked up to a point where I could just about hear their conversation.
“I still love you, baby” Abby said.
“Abby, I have some feelings for you too but I can’t be with you. You were never there for me.”
“I was always there for you! I drank and parted too much, I know. But I love you so much.”
“Abby, it’s been months. I’m over this. I do want you but you’re no good for me.”
Abby put her forehead against Zoey’s. She said something to her but I couldn’t hear. Zoey smiled at her and looked into her eyes. I had such a strong urge to pull them apart. I’m not a violent person but I want to punch Abby in the face right now. I ran as fast as I could. I saw a door that lead out to a balcony. Excluding the couple kissing in the far corner, I was alone. I sat at the seat in the corner. Tears fell from my eyes. Was Zoey falling for someone else? Will the only people who ever loved me leave me for Abby? Is some one I don’t know going to take away everything from me? This day turned out worse than I expected. I wiped the tears from my face. Images of what they could be doing right now flashed through my mind. I can’t let them come true.
I ran back into the room I left her in. She stood there alone and confused. “Sammy?!” She said looking around. I grabbed her shoulder. “I’m right here.”
“Where the hell did you go?!”
“Never mind that. Who was Abby?”
She sighed. “She’s my ex. I dated her for like 8 months a while back.”
“You love her.” I said.
“No I don’t, I mean I do, but… it’s complicated.”
“I’m such an idiot.” I shook my head.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I fell for you. I thought I stood a chance with you but I don’t. I was never gay just confused. Besides, we’re too different to ever be together. I’m not bad enough for you.”
“I don’t want to.”
He let out a sigh.
“What ever.”
He looked away. I saw pain, pain which was cause by me. I felt a ping in my stomach.
“Be honest with me. Is there a chance with us, at all?” He asked.
“I don’t know, maybe.” I smiled trying to give him hope. He just looked away not buying it.
“I’m sorry. I really am.” I said.
“It’s fine. You can’t help who you love, or don’t love.” He frowned.
Even though this day was awful there was one good thing that came out of it. And that is the fact it’s over. Well, almost. I still have to go to that party. Even though every fiber of my being wants to park myself on the bed and stay there rather than go to the party.
I can honestly say that today was the worst day of my life - so far atleast. Most people say that as an over exaggeration, but it really is. I rest my sore head on my pillow. I took a deep breath. I remember when my life was simple. I remember it intensely, mostly because it was just a week ago. Well I suppose my life was never simple. Not with my mother confusing me every time I thought understood something. My parents don’t really care about me, they never really did. But I feel so obligated to listen to them and obey their every word; almost like it’s my instincts. Perhaps it’s because I have lived this way my whole life.
I guess what I mean by my life being simple I meant it was easier. I just did what I was told. I had no complications to worry about. There were no conflicts, no confusion, or heart break. At least not like there is now. Now it is just painful. Yet all this pain seems worth it somehow. I can’t honestly describe it. Maybe it’s because I’m basically doing this for Zoey.
Still it’s not fair Brian and my parents have to be affected by this. Brian gets his poor heart broken and my parents won’t get, well, me; or their ideal of me. They want their perfect child with the exact same views as them; one with a perfect Christian husband and perfect Christian grandchildren. No, they won’t get that. They’ll get me- their sinner, their biggest mistake.
All because of my choice, illness, or maybe disorder. I’m not quite sure yet. I don’t think it’s a choice though. I never chose this and never would. I don’t want to live this way. I really don’t. I want to have a husband and kids. Not a wife and adopted kids. I whipped a tear from my eyes. I took a breath and looked at my clock; 11:30 P.M. I talked to Zoey about it. I’m going to the party. I admit I’m scared; I don’t want to do this. It’s stupid. But love makes people do stupid things. I went over to my door and locked it. I flipped the switch off and let darkness gulf up the room.
I went over to the window through the shadows of my room. I opened it and went out of it. I pushed the glass window shut. I started to walk down the dark road. My stomach grew sick for obvious reasons. Walking at night by myself gave me the creeps. I took in a gulp of fresh air. I walked slower and slower fighting the strong urge to go back to my bed and sleep. Eventually I was going so slow it appeared I wasn’t walking at all. The day I’ve been dreading is here- the day that will send me to hell, the day I am officially a sinner. Well maybe not. Perhaps that day happened a while ago when I talked back to my mother. Or perhaps it was the day I kissed Zoe. I still can’t believe I did that.
I looked over at the child hood park and saw the silver car in the parking lot. I squinted and examined it a bit to be 100 percent sure it was Zoey’s car. It was. If the green dice in the window wasn’t enough to tell me than seeing Zoey step out of it once she saw me. “Hi, Sammy.” She smiled. “Hi, Zoe” I said back and took her in. From her long pink wavy hair, to her whit tee shirt and red skinny jeans. “The dress is in the back, Sammy. You can get changed in the car. I promise I won’t look.” She smiled. I nodded and went into the back seat. I saw the same blue dress Zoe wore at the church. I peeked out the window to make sure she wasn’t looking. I took off my ugly floral dress when I saw she wasn’t. I put on the blue one and stepped out of the car. “You look… normal” she laughed “Well, almost.” She walked over and took the bow out of my hair. “Wow. You’re so gorgeous.” She said but seemed a bit distracted while looking in my eyes. Our eyes were locked like the night we kissed. Despite how natural this felt I didn’t want it to happen. This moment is being seen by god. Even though I want to let everything go and be with her the fear of knowing god is watching and judging every move stops me. I turn around. “We don’t want to be late.” I say.
“We can be fashionably late.” she smiled and wrapped her arm around me.
“I guess.”
She walked over and sat on the hood of her car. “Sit down with me.” She smiled while patting on her car. I sat down beside her.
“So, you never did answer my question.” She looked over at me.
“What question?” I asked.
“Are you… on my team?”
“What?” I tilted my head to the side. She shook her head and sighed.
“Remember our conversation we had the first day I was at your house?”
“Oh.” I cringed thinking about it.
“Answer me. Stop the mind games, Sammy. Just tell me the truth. Do you have feelings for me?”
I took in a deep breath and got of the car.
“Let’s talk about this later.”
“No. There’s not time like the presence. Just tell me. Am I wasting my time?”
“What do you mean by wasting your time?”
“I mean I am I wasting my time trying to become more than friends?”
“I never knew you were trying.” I said slightly hurt that this whole time we were together was just her attempt to be my girlfriend.
“I guess I never really was. I just want to know if I should bother starting or just forget that possibility.”
“Oh. Listen, Zoey, I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I don’t want to be gay. I want to be normal and live a normal safe life.”
“What do you mean safe? Safe from what?”
“Hell.”
“You think I’m going to hell?!”
“No, I mean—I don’t know.”
“I don’t believe in hell. Why would god make me this way but send me to hell for it?”
“Maybe you could get help. Maybe we both could. It would be fun they have camps for it, you know?” I smiled thinking about it. We could be normal friends.
“Are you joking? There’s no ‘cure’ for this. You’re born this way. There’s no way out. If you could there would be little to no gays in the world. I’d be upset with you for saying that if you knew how offensive it actually was.”
“I didn’t mean it to be. But I did think about doing that.”
“Doing what? Sending me to a camp?”
“No, sending my self to one. I don’t know if I am but I may be and I want help.” I frowned.
“Don’t do this to yourself. I tried it. Not going to a camp, but hiding it. Not just from other people but from myself. I shoved my self so deep in the closet. I was hiding from myself because I thought I wasn’t good enough for this world. It’s a traumatizing experience. Please don’t do it. It will be the biggest regret you’ll have.”
“Let’s just not think about it for now. Let’s just go to the party.”
“Fine, you’re right.” She slid off the car.
We arrived at a huge golden color mansion. “This is Brad’s house?!”
“No, it’s his mansion.” She smiled. “Let’s go.” She said. We got out the car and started walking up the long drive way. My stomach grew sick. This is my first real party ever and I honestly don’t want to go. I have no idea how crazy this party is going to be. “Don’t be nervous, Sammy. I won’t let any one hurt you.” She laughed and put her hand in mine. Although we were far from the house I could hear the music from it perfectly. It sounded a little futuristic and fun. Is this the music I have been wondering about? Is it the music that is all over the radio? “Is this the kind of music that’s on the radio?” I asked. “Yes. This kind of music is on the radio too much if you ask me.” She laughed. “You like?” She asked. “Yeah, I guess. It’s way different from Christian music though.” The next song played. I cocked my head to the side. The song sounded familiar. Not the song, the singer. “I know this person. I’m pretty sure my mom bought me her CD for my 8th birthday. Katy Hudson, right?” I asked. “Her name’s Katy Perry now. Your mom actually let you listen to her?” She laughed. “Yeah she had a Christian album. I was such a big fan. I actually saw her perform years back. I even meant her back stage it-”
“You meant Katy Perry?!?!” She said and dropped her jaw.
“Yeah? Is that bad?”
“No! That’s so … awesome! Was she nice?”
“Yeah I guess I just talked to her for a while.”
“That is so freaking awesome” She said with a wide smile.
“Thanks.” I smiled mostly because I was happy I impressed her.
We stepped into the door. “You see that man over there?” She nearly screamed into my ear trying to speak to me over the loud music. She was pointing to a tall, muscular man with tattoos covering his arm. He had brown spiky hair. He had a red cup in his hand and a cigarette in the other. I already felt uncomfortable. “That’s brad.” He seemed no better than Lisa. Nearly no one here was. I looked around the room. There was a sea full of people smoking, drinking and dancing. I could barely breathe because of all this smoke. And I could barely hear myself think from the music. Zoe grabbed my hand and took me away from him. “I don’t want him to know you’re here with me. He could tell my sister and, well, you know.” She frowned.
“Zoe? Zoe Carson? Ha, is that you?!” I heard a voice slur. Zoey turned around and saw who was saying it. It was a tall skinny girl. She had a short shirt revealing a skull belly button ring with a tattoo of a little bow by it. She had a nose, brow, and lip piercing. She had blue skinny pants on and had long straight blonde hair. “Oh crap.” Zoey mouthed to me. “Remember me, lovely?” The blonde girl said holding a red cup. “Of course.” Zoey smiled, well fake smiled. “Sammy,” Zoey said loudly while looking down. “This is Abby.” She blushed. “Hi.” I smiled. “You’re so stiff, girl. Loosen up!” Abby said to me. She was obviously intoxicated. “Sorry.” I said but Abby didn’t pay attention. “Zoey, is this your girlfriend?” Abby asked with her head tilted. “No. She’s Just my friend.” She said, although it was true I wish she didn’t say it. I wish I was her girlfriend in a strange way. I would love for her to say those words and for it to be true.
“Oh. Are you seeing anybody?!”
“No.”
“Hmm… you wanna dance?” Abby asked while pulling Zoey up. Zoey rolled her eyes and went with it. Abby grabbed Zoey’s waist and proceeded to dance with her. They were having a conversation that was inaudible to me. Jealousy went through my body. I hated Abby right now. I hate this girl so bad though I just meant her a mere minute ago. She moved her hand up to Zoey’s cheek. I walked up to a point where I could just about hear their conversation.
“I still love you, baby” Abby said.
“Abby, I have some feelings for you too but I can’t be with you. You were never there for me.”
“I was always there for you! I drank and parted too much, I know. But I love you so much.”
“Abby, it’s been months. I’m over this. I do want you but you’re no good for me.”
Abby put her forehead against Zoey’s. She said something to her but I couldn’t hear. Zoey smiled at her and looked into her eyes. I had such a strong urge to pull them apart. I’m not a violent person but I want to punch Abby in the face right now. I ran as fast as I could. I saw a door that lead out to a balcony. Excluding the couple kissing in the far corner, I was alone. I sat at the seat in the corner. Tears fell from my eyes. Was Zoey falling for someone else? Will the only people who ever loved me leave me for Abby? Is some one I don’t know going to take away everything from me? This day turned out worse than I expected. I wiped the tears from my face. Images of what they could be doing right now flashed through my mind. I can’t let them come true.
I ran back into the room I left her in. She stood there alone and confused. “Sammy?!” She said looking around. I grabbed her shoulder. “I’m right here.”
“Where the hell did you go?!”
“Never mind that. Who was Abby?”
She sighed. “She’s my ex. I dated her for like 8 months a while back.”
“You love her.” I said.
“No I don’t, I mean I do, but… it’s complicated.”
“I’m such an idiot.” I shook my head.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I fell for you. I thought I stood a chance with you but I don’t. I was never gay just confused. Besides, we’re too different to ever be together. I’m not bad enough for you.”
“What do you mean by bad enough?!”
“Look at Abby! She’s your type. She’s rough, pretty, and wild. I’m just lame and boring.”
“No your not!” She took my hand and took me out side. The music was just a muffle now.
“Listen, Sammy, I don’t want some crazy druggie for a girlfriend! I want someone nice, supportive, stable, and loving. You’re not lame and boring. You just don’t have freedom to live how you want to. Of course I did date a girl like Abby but there’s a reason why she’s my ex girlfriend and not my girlfriend. You know I lov-like you. I want you not her.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re an amazing person. You’re beautiful, loyal, loving, talented, and caring. Abby is a loser. If she’s not drunk she’s high. She went one month without having a real conversation with me. She wasn’t mad at me, she was just partying. She’s a nobody. Don’t worry about her.”
“I saw you dancing with her you love her.”
“No I don’t. I may have a few small feelings for her but they’re nothing compared to how I feel about you. Why should you care anyways? We’re not dating. If you wanted me you could have be, but you never have.”
“It’s complicated, okay?”
“Whatever. By the way, I am a bit flattered you seeing her with me made you jealous.” She smiled.
“I wasn’t jealous.” I protested but she just gave me a look that showed she didn’t believe me.” I wasn’t!” I said again.
“Whatever. Let’s just go back to the party.” She laughed. We walked into the building full of smoke, loud music, and shouting. I would die to go back to my home in my bed. “Where is Abby, anyways?!” I shouted trying to get Zoey to hear me. “Don’t worry about her, Sammy!” “Hey, Zoey!” I heard a strange voice say. We turned around and a slim tall, girlish guy with Justin Bieber hair and brown eyes was there. “You want some beer?” He asked. Zoey shook her head. “What about the ginger?” I figured he was talking about me. “No” I shook my head. “Aw, come on, baby, live it up.” He smiled. “She said no, dude!” Zoey said. He ignored her and poured the tan colored drink from a silver keg into a red cup. “Just take one little sip.” He smiled I shook my head. “She said no, Drake.” Zoey said. “You know him?’ I asked. “Yeah he’s my friend. Remember? I went to the mall with him? Drake, this is Sammy.” “Oh.” He took a sip of the drink that he poured for me. “Is she like your girlfriend or something?” He asked. “No, Drake.” She rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I heard.” He laughed. “Those were just rumor!” “Ha, sure they were.” He teased. “Shut up” Zoey laughed. “Ignore Drake. He’s an idiot” Zoey and Drake laughed. I laughed along with them. “Your sisters gonna flip shit if she finds out you’re here with Sammy.” He said then took a sip of beer. “That’s why she won’t find out. It’s also why we’re avoiding Brad.”
“Oh. Didn’t you say the only place he pretty much never goes during a party is upstairs?”
“Look at Abby! She’s your type. She’s rough, pretty, and wild. I’m just lame and boring.”
“No your not!” She took my hand and took me out side. The music was just a muffle now.
“Listen, Sammy, I don’t want some crazy druggie for a girlfriend! I want someone nice, supportive, stable, and loving. You’re not lame and boring. You just don’t have freedom to live how you want to. Of course I did date a girl like Abby but there’s a reason why she’s my ex girlfriend and not my girlfriend. You know I lov-like you. I want you not her.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re an amazing person. You’re beautiful, loyal, loving, talented, and caring. Abby is a loser. If she’s not drunk she’s high. She went one month without having a real conversation with me. She wasn’t mad at me, she was just partying. She’s a nobody. Don’t worry about her.”
“I saw you dancing with her you love her.”
“No I don’t. I may have a few small feelings for her but they’re nothing compared to how I feel about you. Why should you care anyways? We’re not dating. If you wanted me you could have be, but you never have.”
“It’s complicated, okay?”
“Whatever. By the way, I am a bit flattered you seeing her with me made you jealous.” She smiled.
“I wasn’t jealous.” I protested but she just gave me a look that showed she didn’t believe me.” I wasn’t!” I said again.
“Whatever. Let’s just go back to the party.” She laughed. We walked into the building full of smoke, loud music, and shouting. I would die to go back to my home in my bed. “Where is Abby, anyways?!” I shouted trying to get Zoey to hear me. “Don’t worry about her, Sammy!” “Hey, Zoey!” I heard a strange voice say. We turned around and a slim tall, girlish guy with Justin Bieber hair and brown eyes was there. “You want some beer?” He asked. Zoey shook her head. “What about the ginger?” I figured he was talking about me. “No” I shook my head. “Aw, come on, baby, live it up.” He smiled. “She said no, dude!” Zoey said. He ignored her and poured the tan colored drink from a silver keg into a red cup. “Just take one little sip.” He smiled I shook my head. “She said no, Drake.” Zoey said. “You know him?’ I asked. “Yeah he’s my friend. Remember? I went to the mall with him? Drake, this is Sammy.” “Oh.” He took a sip of the drink that he poured for me. “Is she like your girlfriend or something?” He asked. “No, Drake.” She rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I heard.” He laughed. “Those were just rumor!” “Ha, sure they were.” He teased. “Shut up” Zoey laughed. “Ignore Drake. He’s an idiot” Zoey and Drake laughed. I laughed along with them. “Your sisters gonna flip shit if she finds out you’re here with Sammy.” He said then took a sip of beer. “That’s why she won’t find out. It’s also why we’re avoiding Brad.”
“Oh. Didn’t you say the only place he pretty much never goes during a party is upstairs?”
“Ooh yeah. That’s true. You wanna come with us?” Zoe asked Drake. “Sure.” He shrugged. “Come on.” Zoey said and led us upstairs to a hall. His house was beautiful. Like amazingly beautiful! There are marble floors and walls, gorgeous colorful plants, and it had a magnificent sparkly chandelier. It’s not fair this is how Lisa will spend her life. She’ll live like a princess, probably living in this mansion. She’ll have a husband and kids and a loving mother and sister. I’ll have parents who hate me, probably a wife and no kids. It’s not fair. I must be being punished for doing something. I just don’t know what. I’ve been going to church every Sunday since I’ve been born. I never did commit any sins, well at least not before I meant Zoey. Maybe meeting Zoe is a test. If it is I’m failing miserably.
Zoey opened the door to a golden room. “This is a guest room I think.” She said while she stepped into it as Drake and I followed her. “Damn, this is fancy!” Drake said and gulped down the rest of his drink. “I know.” Zoey smiled. She fell onto the golden colored bed. She folded her hands together and put them under her head. “Ahhh, this bed is so comfy.” She shut her bright green eyes. I sat down in a big curved chair. Drake flipped his hair. “Drake, how did you get here anyways?”
“In a car, derp!”
Zoey rolled her eyes. “I mean who brought you here?”
“I did.”
“Than how are you getting home?”
“In a car?” He laughed.
“I mean who’s taking you?!” She said with no patience.
“Me?”
“No you’re not.”
“Why not?”
“Because you just drank beer. You’re coming with me and Sammy. I’ll drop you off at the house.”
“No way! What about my car?”
“You should have brought a designated driver.” She shrugged. Drake rolled his eyes.
Zoey opened the door to a golden room. “This is a guest room I think.” She said while she stepped into it as Drake and I followed her. “Damn, this is fancy!” Drake said and gulped down the rest of his drink. “I know.” Zoey smiled. She fell onto the golden colored bed. She folded her hands together and put them under her head. “Ahhh, this bed is so comfy.” She shut her bright green eyes. I sat down in a big curved chair. Drake flipped his hair. “Drake, how did you get here anyways?”
“In a car, derp!”
Zoey rolled her eyes. “I mean who brought you here?”
“I did.”
“Than how are you getting home?”
“In a car?” He laughed.
“I mean who’s taking you?!” She said with no patience.
“Me?”
“No you’re not.”
“Why not?”
“Because you just drank beer. You’re coming with me and Sammy. I’ll drop you off at the house.”
“No way! What about my car?”
“You should have brought a designated driver.” She shrugged. Drake rolled his eyes.
There was a bit of silence.
“It’s boring here. You guys wanna go to his pool?” Drake asked.
“We don’t have swimsuits.” I said.
“Actually…” Zoey walked to a dresser. “We could borrow my sisters. Brad sneaks her in this room and my sister has her clothes here.”
“Why does she have to sneak in?” I asked.
“Brad’s parents don’t like her because she’s….well, Lisa.” She laughed.
“Ok. I’ll meet you bitches out there.” Drake left.
“Zoey, I don’t want to do this.” I said.
“Do what?” She asked as she dug through the dresser. She pulled out a sky blue bikini with whit dots.
“Go swimming, I don’t want anyone to see me in a bathing suit. I don’t even want to wear jeans in public! Let alone a swimsuit.” I said with a knot in my stomach.
“You’ll be fine.” She laughed and pulled out a one piece with a skirt attached to it.
“And I’ve never been swimming before. I’m not allowed.”
“Sammy, you gotta live a little. And trust me no one will care.” She handed me a black bathing suit. I cringed.
“Do I have to?” I whined.
“Yes!” She said and walked into room which I’m guessing is the bathroom.
I took a deep breath and disrobed. I put on the tight black suit. I sat down on the bed. I wish I never came here. I wish I was a sleep in my bed.
“I’m about to come out!”
“It’s boring here. You guys wanna go to his pool?” Drake asked.
“We don’t have swimsuits.” I said.
“Actually…” Zoey walked to a dresser. “We could borrow my sisters. Brad sneaks her in this room and my sister has her clothes here.”
“Why does she have to sneak in?” I asked.
“Brad’s parents don’t like her because she’s….well, Lisa.” She laughed.
“Ok. I’ll meet you bitches out there.” Drake left.
“Zoey, I don’t want to do this.” I said.
“Do what?” She asked as she dug through the dresser. She pulled out a sky blue bikini with whit dots.
“Go swimming, I don’t want anyone to see me in a bathing suit. I don’t even want to wear jeans in public! Let alone a swimsuit.” I said with a knot in my stomach.
“You’ll be fine.” She laughed and pulled out a one piece with a skirt attached to it.
“And I’ve never been swimming before. I’m not allowed.”
“Sammy, you gotta live a little. And trust me no one will care.” She handed me a black bathing suit. I cringed.
“Do I have to?” I whined.
“Yes!” She said and walked into room which I’m guessing is the bathroom.
I took a deep breath and disrobed. I put on the tight black suit. I sat down on the bed. I wish I never came here. I wish I was a sleep in my bed.
“I’m about to come out!”
“Its fine I’m dressed.” I winced. I was a bit nervous for Zoe to see me in a swim suit.
She stepped out in the blue bikini. I noticed a piercing on her naval. “You have a piercing!?” I gaped. She nodded. “I got it 2 years ago.” I was a bit shocked. My mom said body piercings are a sin. She said that god gave everyone a body for his own reason and changing it even in the slightest is insulting him. “Oh.” Is all I said. “Let’s go.” She took my hand and led me to the back yard. I saw a big blue pool radiating light. We walked closer and closer to it. We walked up to Drake. He went to the side of the pool to meet us. “You guys took forever.” Drake said. “No we didn’t. You’re just impatient.” Zoey said back. Zoey dipped her feet in the pool. “The waters warm.” She said and jumped in. Some water splashed me and made me flinch. I sat down by the pool. “Get yo’ ass in here!” Drake said. I shook my head. “I’m fine.” Zoey swam close to me. “Why won’t you come in?” She asked while tilting her head to the side. “I don’t know how to swim. What if I drown?” I asked. She giggled. “The pool water is only 4 feet in this section.”
“I don’t like this, Zoe. I feel… uncomfortable. Everyone can see my…” I looked down and saw hoe exploited I was. “Everything! Can I just change back?”
“No. You need to let go and live! Get in, trust me, you’ll thank me later.” She smiled and grabbed my arm trying to pull me in but I wouldn’t budge. “Come on, Sammy!” I shook my head. She pulled even hard until I was engulfed in warm water. “Zoey!” I yelled but she didn’t take my anger seriously. She let out a laugh. “Seriously, I’m all drenched now!”
“Well of coarse you are…. you’re in a pool.”
“So what’s the point?”
“Of what?”
“Swimming, what do people do in here? I never really saw the point.”
“I don’t like this, Zoe. I feel… uncomfortable. Everyone can see my…” I looked down and saw hoe exploited I was. “Everything! Can I just change back?”
“No. You need to let go and live! Get in, trust me, you’ll thank me later.” She smiled and grabbed my arm trying to pull me in but I wouldn’t budge. “Come on, Sammy!” I shook my head. She pulled even hard until I was engulfed in warm water. “Zoey!” I yelled but she didn’t take my anger seriously. She let out a laugh. “Seriously, I’m all drenched now!”
“Well of coarse you are…. you’re in a pool.”
“So what’s the point?”
“Of what?”
“Swimming, what do people do in here? I never really saw the point.”
“The point is to have fun!” She laughed.
“How is this fun?” I say shivering from the coldness of the water.
“How is this fun?” I say shivering from the coldness of the water.
She just shook her head showing a blend between amusement and disappointment in me.
“I’m getting out!” I said to her. Her eyes grew large as her jaw dropped. I was curious as to why she was that upset over me leaving the pool. “Sorry.” I shrugged. “But I’m freezing and exposed.” I say. But she’s still speechless and frozen with her eyes wide and jaw dropped. I must say I think it’s a bit of an over exaggeration. “Zoey you’re making a big deal out if this.” I shook my head and turned around when the thought accord to me that maybe it isn’t me that she’s freaking out about. That’s when my thought was confirmed. I saw Lisa standing over the pool staring at us.
She was filled with anger yet she had a playful smirk on her mouth. She had a green bikini on that showed off her big round belly that looked like it was about to pop any time now. “Do my eyes deceive me?” Lisa said. “Lisa, I thought you were in jail and quit partying?” Zoey said. Lisa lifted and dropped her shoulders and said “Brad bailed be out and I had a feeling I should go to this party. Now I know why.” She tilted her head and let out a short mocking laugh. “Samatha, are you wearing my bathing suit?!” She shook her head. “Do you actually want to make me kick your ass? Because it seems you’re sure as hell trying.”
“Lisa, stop it! This is my life. I can hang out with who I want. Besides I gave her that suit she didn’t know it was yours so blame me not her.” Zoey protests seemed it had no affect on Lisa. “Zoe, don’t stick up for this freak. She doesn’t love you. She never will because she can’t. Not even just as a friend. All that matters to her is God and Jesus; two obviously fictional characters that, in her delusional mind, are real and will damn her to hell if she doesn’t listen to every word her psycho mother says.”
“Stop it, Lisa. If anyone should understand being bashed for their beliefs it’s you. Have some sympathy.”
“Listen, this isn’t about her beliefs. I’m protecting you! Trying to start a relationship with her,” she gestured her head to me. “, is no different that loving a stone.” She shook her head then turned her head towards me showing she was about to shoot me a message. “And, Samatha, didn’t we have deal? Remember, if you are with my sister you, well you know.”
“I’m getting out!” I said to her. Her eyes grew large as her jaw dropped. I was curious as to why she was that upset over me leaving the pool. “Sorry.” I shrugged. “But I’m freezing and exposed.” I say. But she’s still speechless and frozen with her eyes wide and jaw dropped. I must say I think it’s a bit of an over exaggeration. “Zoey you’re making a big deal out if this.” I shook my head and turned around when the thought accord to me that maybe it isn’t me that she’s freaking out about. That’s when my thought was confirmed. I saw Lisa standing over the pool staring at us.
She was filled with anger yet she had a playful smirk on her mouth. She had a green bikini on that showed off her big round belly that looked like it was about to pop any time now. “Do my eyes deceive me?” Lisa said. “Lisa, I thought you were in jail and quit partying?” Zoey said. Lisa lifted and dropped her shoulders and said “Brad bailed be out and I had a feeling I should go to this party. Now I know why.” She tilted her head and let out a short mocking laugh. “Samatha, are you wearing my bathing suit?!” She shook her head. “Do you actually want to make me kick your ass? Because it seems you’re sure as hell trying.”
“Lisa, stop it! This is my life. I can hang out with who I want. Besides I gave her that suit she didn’t know it was yours so blame me not her.” Zoey protests seemed it had no affect on Lisa. “Zoe, don’t stick up for this freak. She doesn’t love you. She never will because she can’t. Not even just as a friend. All that matters to her is God and Jesus; two obviously fictional characters that, in her delusional mind, are real and will damn her to hell if she doesn’t listen to every word her psycho mother says.”
“Stop it, Lisa. If anyone should understand being bashed for their beliefs it’s you. Have some sympathy.”
“Listen, this isn’t about her beliefs. I’m protecting you! Trying to start a relationship with her,” she gestured her head to me. “, is no different that loving a stone.” She shook her head then turned her head towards me showing she was about to shoot me a message. “And, Samatha, didn’t we have deal? Remember, if you are with my sister you, well you know.”
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