Chapter 3

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       “SAMATHA! It’s morning get up!”  I heard my mother shout. I rolled out of bed, and walked out of my room. “Samatha, I think I’m starting to hear things.” She laughed. “Were you talking to someone last night?” She asked. My heart skipped a beat. I can’t lie to her but there’s no way I can tell her about last night! “Um who would I be talking to?” It’s not a lie, just a question. “I don’t know just answer my question.” “Well, I did pray last night. But that’s it. Maybe you heard that?” I felt sick to my stomach for lying but I’ll pray for forgiveness later. “Hm, maybe.”
        “Well I’m going to get a shower.” I smiled and walked away. I stepped into the cold bathroom and locked the door. I turned the water on warm and disrobed. I stepped into the shower and slid the door shut. I grabbed my favorite coconut scented conditioner and massaged it through my hair. After a few seconds I realized I was singing a Christian hymn. It made me wonder what other music is out there? My mom doesn’t let me explore the out side world. I never went on a computer or watch TV except for at school. I’m not allowed to listen to the radio. My mom said there’s too much evil music in America’s pop culture. However I still let my mind wander as to what it would sound like. Maybe Zoey would know.

        I stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around me. I walked out of the bathroom and into my room. I took the towel and dried off my body. My mind started to wander about the outside world yet again. I thought of all the TV shows or websites hat are popular. At school I hear their names and at most get the jest of what they’re about, but I’ve never seen or been on them. I heard kids sing popular songs but never really heard the real songs. I got dressed and put the red bow in my hair. I wondered if I could put the make up on myself. I’m not allowed because my mom said she wants to do it her self. Yet I still wonder. I never put make up on before so I wonder how it would turn out. It would probably end up horrible. I laughed to my self imagining the outcome. I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn’t like what I saw. Not in a low self esteem way. But my outfit was not me at all! It looked too old fashion and lame.
      I walked out of the bedroom and sat at the breakfast table. Bacon eggs and toast as usual. “Samatha I like your dress.” My dad smiled. “Thank you, father.” “Your welcome, Samatha.” He smiled. I picked up the toast and took a bite. One good about my mom is her food. My mother is an awesome cook. She took culinary classes in her early 20’s. She wanted to be the perfect wife and that meant cooking. It also includes giving away your happiness and dignity. At least that’s what mother says. My stomach grew sick thinking about being married. Giving my whole life away for some guy I barley know. I sighed and ate my breakfast. “Are you excited for date?” Dad asked. “Yes.” I smiled. My mom frowned at me. “This may be the start of something big. I don’t want you to mess it up.” She grabbed the half eaten plate away from me. “I don’t want you gaining any more weight your getting pudgy.”
“Carol, she is not.” My dad protested. “Yes she is. I don’t want Brian to reject you.” I nodded even though I felt like crying. I never considered my 127 pound figure pudgy but according to my mom it is. “Eh, don’t listen to your mom. Do you how many girls would kill to have your figure?” He smiled. “I’m not saying she’s fat, Greg, just needs to not gain any more weight.” He just sighed and shook his head.
      “Go take a walk, Samatha. Just for a few minutes to burn off the breakfast.” Mother said to me. “Ok I got up and walked out side. I felt a lump in my throat. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t because god was watching. I slowly suppressed it. I wondered if this is what my vision meant. Maybe it was symbolic. That I need to eat less or I’ll never get a man. Maybe God was sending me a message. I started to walk faster.
      After a few minutes I came back in. My dad was at the couch read the paper while my mother was doing the dishes. I walked in to my room. I grabbed the necklace Zoey gave me. I put it on and looked at my self in the mirror. It didn’t match my out fit very well but I still wish I could wear it on my date. However my mom would not allow it. Plus how could I tell her where I got it?! I took the necklace back off and hid it deep in on of my drawers. I wonder how this evening would go. Not with Brian but with Zoe. How would my mother treat her? Would She be nice, rude, or keep to her self? My mother has never been involved with someone that’s not Christian for so long. Heck, she even gets mad at Christians who translate the bible differently than she does. My stomach grew thinking about it. I took a deep breath and tried now to worry about it for now.

      It was 2:00 PM I had my heels and make up on. I felt butterflies in my stomach. This was my first date ever. What if I mess it up? I’m not sure how these things work to be honest. What if he thinks I’m ugly? What if he thinks I’m too trampy? What if he actually likes me?! I don’t like him how would I tell him I don’t want him? Would I even me allowed to? Will my parents make me be with him? A knock on the door broke my train of thought. “That’s him!” I said as I walked to the door. “I’ll be back soon. “Have fun!” my dad smiled. I opened the door and saw Brian standing there with a bouquet of flowers. “Wow, you look amazing. Uh, these are for you.” He handed me the flowers while smiling his stunning smile. “Thank you.” I smiled back.   
      I walked to his car with him by my side. He opened my door for me. “Thank you.” I smiled at him. “Your welcome, Samatha.” He smiled. He walked over and entered his side of the door. We pulled out of my driveway and were on the rode. “So do you have any idea what you want to eat?” He smiled at me. “I don’t know yet maybe a steak. They have really good steak.” I smiled. “That sounds good. I don’t really know what I want.” He smiled.

      When we arrived there he pulled out my chair for me. I must say he is polite and would be someone I wouldn’t mind having as a friend but I just don’t feel right thinking about marrying someone, at least not now. “May I take your drink order?” a tall young guy in his 20’s asked. “Yes I’ll have a Pepsi.” “I’ll have cherry cola” I smiled. “Ok coming right up.” The guy walked away. “So, tell me a bit about yourself.” Brian smiled at me. “Well I’m a senior at Marlinton High. I can’t drive but I might get my permit next month. My best friend is Zoey Carson. She goes to my school. She’s awesome” I smiled.
“Carson, that name sounds familiar. Does she have a sister or brother?”
“Yeah, Lisa Carson.”
“Lisa Carson. Her boyfriend lives next door to us!” He laughed.
“Really?”
“Yeah my mom hates that guy.”
“But your like rich, wouldn’t you live in a rich fancy neighbor hood?”
“I do.”
“Than how could her boyfriend afford to live in a rich neighborhood?”
“Who said he wasn’t rich?”
“He’s rich?!”
“Yup.”
“Really?!”
“Yeah. Well his dad is. He gets the money when his parents pass though.”
“Wow I didn’t expect that. I thought he would live on the streets or a trailer at the most.”
He laughed a warm laugh.
“No but his parents are incredibly mad he knocked up a poor person. They’re very smug people. My parents don’t like them much; they give a bad name to rich people.”
“Oh. What’s her boyfriends name anyway?”
“Brad Larson. He’s a pretty bad dude I must say. He has tattoos all over his arms, piercings all over his face, drives this big expensive motorcycle. I try to avoid me he could beat me up in a heart beat.” He chuckled.
“Your drinks are here.” The waiter said while placing two drinks on our table.
“Thank you.” Brian smiled.
“Your welcome, are you ready to order?”
“Yeah I’ll have the spaghetti meal.”
“And I’ll have the steak medium rare.”
“Mashed potatoes or coleslaw?” The waiter asked.
“Coleslaw.”
“Ok your order should be here soon.”
“You look so beautiful today.” He smiled at me.
“Thank you” I smiled but to be honest I was embarrassed. I don’t like being complimented.
He gazed into my eyes. I felt slightly uncomfortable at him doing that.
“Sorry, I just can’t stop staring at you. You’re gorgeous.” He chuckled. I admit that made my esteem issue from earlier go down.
“Thank you.”

       Eventually we got done with our food and he dropped me off at my house. He walked me to my house. “Maybe we could have a second date sometime.” He smiled. “Maybe.” I smile. He bit his lips and leaned in closer. I leaned back a bit but not far enough for him to notice. He gently caressed my check and pressed his lips against mine. I was slightly confused but kissed him back anyway. He smiled at me. “I-I’ll call you sometime.” “Sure” I smiled back. He walked off and I walked into my house.
“Samatha, how was your date?!” My mother asked. “Good I guess. I don’t really have a connection with him.” I admitted. “Yeah it is too soon to feel anything. Wait a few dates.” She smiled. I really hope she wasn’t expecting too much. “Well I’m going to call Zoe!” I smiled. “Remember the rules!” My mom reminded me. “And wash off that make up!” “Ok.” I smiled and went in to the bathroom. I took a wash cloth out of the cabinet. I turned the tap on warm and placed the cloth under the water. I rubbed the towel on my face until my make up completely vanished.

I walked out of the room and grabbed the home phone. I took the phone in my room. After a few rings I heard Zoe’s voice.

“Hey, Sammy.” She said.
“Hi. I just got back from my date.”
“Ooh” She said in a mocking manner. “Did you kiss him?”
“Maybe.” I giggled. “I’ll tell you about it when you get here.”  
“Okay. Ugh, it sucks we can’t go any where. I’m dying to take you to the mall! When I get my first paycheck I’m sooo taking you on a shopping spree!
“Nah you don’t have to do that for me. Besides I couldn’t even wear any of the clothes without my mother freaking out.”
“She wouldn’t have to know.”
“Jesus would.”
“You’re such a goody-goody. You need to live while you’re still living!”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean go out and party while wearing a mini skirt! Dance, sing, scream, blast the radio and punch a baby!”
“Punch a baby?”
“Ok that last part was over exaggerating, but still you need to do something besides sitting at home, wearing your floral dress while reading the bible! Next weekend you should sneak out and come to a part with me and my sister.”
“NOOOO! Are you crazy?! I would never ever do that!”
“Awww come on it would be sooo fun! Brad, my sister’s B.F., is having a party and he’s loaded! He has the best parties! I pick you up at 11:30 while your parents sleep and take you home at 1:30ish! It would be fun and you won’t get in trouble. If you do you can blame it all on me”
I admit I am tempted but I know I can’t.
“No. I’m not going to risk it.”
“Fiiine, but you have no idea how much this would mean to me.” She whined.
      I quickly fantasized about seeing the happiness in her eyes because I was with her. I thought about it. My mother never checks on me when I sleep. I just lock the door, turn off the lights, climb out the window, go down the street to where she’s waiting for me, and go to the party after she gives me the right clothes to wear. I go there until it’s 1 A.M and she drops me off at the end of the of my neighbor hood and I go to be and wake up like nothing happened. I mean yes it’s a sin and all but sins will be forgiven you ask for it. All I could think about how much it would mean to Zoe. I love seeing her smile.
“Would it really make you that happy?”
“Yes! It would be awesome to show you off.” She laughed. I admit I was flattered someone would want to show me off. My mother always hides me from the world behind these dresses and I admit that hurts me a bit. So the thought of Zoe wanting to actually show me off to the world was enough for me to agree to it.
“Fiiine I’ll do it.”
“OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY?!” She yelped.
“Yeah I guess.”
She squealed. “That’s so awesome! I can’t wait until next Friday!”
I can’t believe I’m doing this! I’m not doing it for me though; I’m doing it for Zoe.
I feel like I would do anything for her.
“Well, are you coming over here or what?” I teased.
“Sure I’ll be coming over soon, bossy. I’m all packed. I even have my Church outfit.” She laughed at the word church.
“Ok than I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.”
“Bye,” I hung up the phone.
I admit I am very nervous about my mother. My dad should be fine but my mom is what worries me the most.
I walked out to the living room. “She’ll be here soon.” I smiled. “Great can’t wait to meet her.” My dad smiled even though I could tell he was just as nervous as me. “I’m going to wait outside. So she’ll no what house is mine.” I smiled. “Ok Samatha.” My mother approved.
      I walked out side and sat on the patio swing. After about 10 minutes I saw a shiny silver 2011 Cadillac roll into our drive way. I walked up to it and Zoey stepped out wearing ripped skinny jeans and a plain white T-shirt. “This is your car?! Are you like rich?” I asked. She laughed a single laugh. “Nooo, but as I said Brad is. I forgot to mention he’s freaking awesome! He bought me this for my 18^th birthday. You should see my sister’s car! 2011 Jaguar, it’s freaking amazing! And his parties at his mansions are sooo epic! You’ll have so much fun!”
“Shhh! My mom can’t know about that.”
“Oh sorry.” She smiled which took my breath away.
“W-well let’s go in.” I smiled and took her hand. I wish I could never let it go though.
I felt butterflies in my stomach. I was so nervous to introduce her to my parents. I walked her to the front door, took a deep breath and opened it.
      I reluctantly released my hand from hers. We took a stepped in the house as I shut the door. I swallowed hard. “Mother, Father, this is Zoey.” I said. Zoe gave a wave and said “Hi.” with her sweet smile on her face. “Hello, Zoey,” My mom smiled hiding her emotions towards her. She’s probably upset over Zoey’s tank top because it shows too much cleavage and you can see her bra straps. My mom would kill me if I dressed like that. “Hi, Zoey.” My dad smiled. “Hi.” She smiled back. She took her shoes off once I took off mine. “Did you have any trouble finding the place?” My dad asked. “Nah, I rode the bus with Sammy a few years back so I remember it were it was. I have good memory.” She smiled. “Well that’s good. I’m going to go in the room and watch T.V. I’ll see you guys later.” Dad smiled and walked away. “I’m just going to do dishes.” My mom said and walked into the kitchen which doesn’t give us any privacy because the kitchen and living room are connected with no doors, not even a door way. I went over and sat on the couch. Zoe followed me. “You can just but your bag down besides the couch.” I said. “This is where we’ll be sleeping tonight.” I smiled at her.
“Ok.” 
“Sooo where’s your T.V?” She asked.
“We only have one TV and it belongs to my parents. I’m not allowed to watch TV.”
She held in a laugh. “Well, what about a radio?”
I just shook my head. She bit her lip trying to hold in her laugh.
“Well want to do for fun?”
“I don’t know. Pray, read the bible or read anything, sometimes I to draw. I’m not boasting I’m just saying I’m really good at painting. Want me to show you some of my art?”
“Sure.”
I walked to my room as she followed me. I opened my closet and grabbed one of my many canvases. It was a painting of the Eiffel Tower. Her jaw dropped when I showed her it. “You made this?!” She asked in awe. I nodded. “It took me a week or so. It’s not my best to be honest. Not even in the top ten.”
“Than what’s your number one?”
“Let me find it.” I kneeled down in my closet and shuffled through my paintings until I found my favorite. “It’s a religious painting just so you know.” I took it and showed it to her. It was a painting of a young brunette girl praying in front of a window in a church. I was a bit nervous she would make fun of it because she isn’t too fond of religious material.
“This is beautiful! I could never make anything like this.” She shook her head.
“You like it?”
“Hell yeah. It’s amazing. I never knew you were this talented.”
“Thank you” I blushed.
“You should try to put some of these in an art museum.”
“You really think they’re that good?”
“Yeah! I’ll take you to one sometime. You’d love it. They would so display on of your projects though.”
“I doubt it. But I would still love to go to one.”
“I’ll take you on your B-day. You’ll be a legal adult so you mom can’t stop you.” She laughed. Suddenly we were gazing into each other’s eyes almost like in the vision. She was gazing deeply into my eyes. I felt this foreign feeling in my heart. I felt like she was looking into my soul and I was looking into hers. It freaked me out when I realized I actually liked it. I broke the moment and suggest we go sit down on the bed.
      Once we did I realized how boring my life is. There is literally nothing to do! I felt very awkward. I debated rather or not I should suggest playing a board game. I’m not sure if it would spark an interest or make her burst out laughing. I went trough my mind trying to think of things we could do. Or at least I tried to. There is nothing to suggest that she would find appealing. I just decided to start a conversation. “So, um, how’s your sister doing.”
“My sister. You really want to talk about my sister?” She raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t know.” Was all I could spit out.
“Sammy, we just had a moment. Didn’t you notice that?” She giggled which made my heart race.
“I d-don’t know.” I felt so stupid that that was all I could say.
“You don’t know. So I just imagine that we were making googly eyes at each other?”
“No.”
She just rolled her eyes.
“Look I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
“Be honest with me. Are you gay?” she whispered.
“I told you no. I don’t want to be.”
“What do you mean you don’t want to be? It’s not a choice! Either you are or your not.”
“Well I’m not.”
“Have you ever had a crush on a boy- ever?!” she asked.
“Now that I think about it no.”
“Have you ever been interested in a girl?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Have you ever looked at a girl and wanted to be more than friends?”
“Uh no, I don’t think.” She could tell I was lying, I could see it in her eyes.
“Liar.” She crossed her arms.
“That’s not true. I don’t like girls.” I whispered.
“You never looked at a girl and had your heart race fast?”
“Why would that matter?”
“Because that’s what love feels like. You see the person and you can’t stop thinking about them, they’re there when you close your eyes, your heart races when you see them, your palms sweat, you feel butterflies in your stomach, and you feel like you knew them forever even if it’s only been an hour.”
“That’s what love is?” I cocked my head to the side.
She nodded as a response.
“Not to mention you have been staring at a naughty place, missy. My eye’s are up here!” she laughed pointing at her eyes. I didn’t need a mirror to know my face was beat red from being caught.  Could this be true? Could I be…gay? My mom told me that they go to hell. I always thought it was a choice and they had free will. Could it be that I am gay and there’s no way to stop it? I sighed.
“I can’t be gay. My mom wouldn’t allow it.”
She sighed.
“I told you, you can’t control it! You’re either born this way or not!”
“But I mean if I am I can’t have kids or get married and make my mom proud.”
“I’m sorry but do you really think that would make her proud?! You’re mothers never happy with you. She doesn’t even trust you! She’ll never say she’s proud of you.”
“But I got to find love soon and it can’t be a girl!”
“Don’t worrying about finding love. It’ll find you. That’s why it’s called ‘falling in love’. You don’t make yourself jump in it. You just…fall.”
I was speechless.
“But it’s a sin to be gay, I’m not trying to offend you but it is.”
“And who cares?!”
“God.”
“How do you even know he’s real?”
“Because I can feel him in my heart!”
“Than what is your heart telling you, NOT your mind - your heart?”
I didn’t think about it I just went for it. I closed my eyes and kissed her. I felt a shock of what felt like electricity go through my body even though the kiss was so short.
I pulled away and looked at her face.
“Wow.” She said.
I had no clue what to say, but I think I’m going to hell now.
“Told you so.” She laughed.
I was still speechless. My mind was racing with thoughts. My mother would be so majorly disappointed if she knew about this. No, she would be down right furious. And would God be mad? Would he care? I took a deep breath.
“You wanna play a board game?” I asked trying to change the subject.
She sighed and rolled your eyes. “Do I mean anything to you?! One second you’re into me and literally seconds later you smile and act like nothing happened! You’re such a damn tease.”
“Sorry.” Was all I could think of to say.
“I mean I know you’re confused about your sexuality because you’ve been brainwashed by religion, but can you at least-”

“What do you mean I’ve been brain washed?!”
“What do you mean what do I mean?! You mom tells you to wear, what to think, who to hang out with, who to marry and tells you if you don’t believe her a man who you can’t see or hear will send you to hell! Tell me how you can possibly believe that?!”
I was absolutely offended.
“Because I feel it!”
She laughed. “Those are your emotions not your mind! Remember when you were a kid and believe in Santa Claus? Sure you never seen him or felt him. But you knew he was because you felt it and he brought you presents. Your parents would tell you his real but would offer no proof. How is this any different?!”
It made sense but it also hit my heart pretty hard.
“You can’t compare God to Santa” I sighed.
“Why not? They’re both fictional characters used to make your children listen to what you say. Besides let’s say God is real. Why they heck would he care if you wore a dress or a pair of jeans?! Adam and Eve were naked!”
“Yes he wouldn’t mind but my mom wants me to dress this. And I must honor my mother. Ten Commandments, remember?”
She just laughed and not a happy one more of an angry one.
“You know what? I never read much of The Bible and I don’t care if you believe a completely unrealistic book, but you’re letting it take over your life! Free your self!”
I heard the faucet from the sink turn off.
“Shhh.” I whispered “My mom can’t hear this discussion just change the subject.”
“Fine! But this convo sooo isn’t over, not by a long shot!”